


Apologies and Regrets

by ohmywinchesters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: s14e18 Absence, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilty Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, My First Fanfic, No Smut, Not Beta Read, Post-Episode: s14e18 Absence, Spoilers, Understanding Sam Winchester, don't read if you haven't seen the episode, episode: s14e18 Absence coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:18:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmywinchesters/pseuds/ohmywinchesters
Summary: - 14x18 coda“I don’t want to hear a damn apology from you! You know why?”, the anger was back in Dean's voice, but this time, not directed at Castiel.“Because you- because if someone has to apologize it would be me! I said… it’s not true… I could never-“, he broke eye contact, tears threatening to spill. Breathing heavily he walked over to where the angel was standing at the door.





	Apologies and Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fanfic... I'm sorry if it's not that good but I needed to get this out of my head.
> 
> I think we all need that apology from Dean, right?
> 
>    
> You also can read this as Castiel & Dean friendship if you like.
> 
>    
> ➢ Not Beta Read - all mistakes are mine

_Coda 14.18: Absence_

 

**_Apologies and Regrets_ **

 

 

* * *

 

 

After Mary‘s passing there was an uncomfortable tension in the air. And with Jack still on the loose Team Free Will, or what’s remaining of them anyway, wasn’t in the best mood. Sam tried to keep the peace at the bunker, or you could say between his brother and the angel.

 

While he focused on remembering his mother and the happy memories he got to have with her, his brother chose a different coping mechanism. Dean has never been able to deal well with losing friends or family, but his mother was something entirely different.

 

1983, the Winchesters lost their mother and with her a normal life. Sam obviously couldn’t remember what he had lost that night, he was still too young, but Dean did. He loved his mother, but he also remembered her. The woman who loved him unconditionally, like a mom should. The woman who had told him angels were watching over him. To loose a person you loved so dearly is the worst kind of pain, especially at such a young age.

 

Their lives weren't that easy though. No instead of watching his mother die once, they lost her twice. The second time at the hands of someone they thought of as a son. And instead of talking about and dealing with his emotions, Dean is known to lash out at the next best person. In this case; Castiel.

 

After almost losing his brother, Dean came home to an empty bunker. Without any trace of Mary or Jack. Already on edge, he learned from Castiel that there was something wrong with the nephilim boy and to ignore this problem and refuse talk about it with his friend, ending the call was probably the best option.

 

Obviously that didn’t change the fact, that their problem still remained. So after discovering the not unlikely possibility that Mary was indeed hurt or worse, dead, Dean lost it.

 

He would have been entitled to be angry about the fact that Castiel hadn’t told them about the danger Jack now hold, if he hadn’t known himself. All of them had known something wasn’t right with their son, but no one had acted.

 

They were all at fault, deep down Dean knew that, just not in that moment. Not in the moment were he almost lost his brother a few hours ago and were his mother was missing, likely even dead.

 

To tell the angel in case Mary was hurt, he‘d be dead to the hunter was wrong. Dean realised that. All three of them were to blame.

 

As always Sam got that into Dean’s head, after having a serious talk. But now, after discovering Mary is in fact dead and at peace, no one had talked about those horrible words. There was still that missing apology, everyone was waiting for.

 

To their surprise, Dean didn’t throw the angel out, no Castiel was still living with them. Sam wanted to talk to his brother again tonight, but Cass spoke up first.

 

**— kitchen —**

“Sam, do you know where Dean is? I haven’t seen him all day and…”, he trailed off, unsure.

 

Well, it sounded exactly like the older Winchester, to ignore the issue at hand. Time to change that. “Yeah, he’s in his room. Doesn’t surprise me though, you know how he can be. But Cass - you do know that it’s not your fault, right? Dean knows that too, he’s just having a rough time with… you know, mom’s-”, he cleared his throat, before continuing, “death. Still, what he said to you - that’s not okay, I’m not trying to defend what he did. But… give him time, maybe? He’ll come around.”

 

The angel nodded, before responding, “Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it. And yes, he can be pretty difficult at times.”, Castiel tried to hide how hurt he actually was. With that he left the kitchen, Sam smiling sadly. The hunter hoped they would get through this, soon.

 

**— Dean’s room —**

The older Winchester sat on his bed picking at his iPod, not listening to the music. Staring at the wall opposite, he caught sight of a small box, where he kept old photographs. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the pictures, he already had, almost every day for the last thirty-something years.

 

Dean inhaled sharply at the thought, he watched her burn. Again. Unwillingly tears sprung to his eyes which he blinked away. She’s at peace. Well, if you could call it that; living in a loop of your memories. At least she had John…

 

Maybe Sam could find hope in those thoughts, Dean certainly didn’t. His previous anger was slowly fading, almost gone, making room for sadness and regret. With a pang of guilt he recalled what he had said to his best friend. “I swear, if something happened to her...if she's- then you're dead to me.”

 

Fuck, he screwed up. It’s what he does best anyways. Swallowing, he turned the small device off and put it aside. It wasn’t just Cass’ fault, no of course if wasn’t. But that’s what he had told the angel… He lost his mother and now he’ll lose his friend. Damn he probably believes it's his fault… Deep in his thoughts, the hunter didn’t hear the soft knock on his door.

 

After a while the door opened, “Dean?”, called a familiar voice from the doorway. The hunter didn’t look up, too afraid to face his friend.

 

“Dean, please. I… can you at least let me explain-“

 

“Theres nothing to explain, Cass.”, he finally answered.

 

“Dean-“, before the angel could finish, the hunter turned around.

 

“I don’t want to hear a damn apology from _you!_ You know why?”, the anger was back in his voice, but this time, not directed at Castiel.

 

“Because you- because if someone has to apologize it would be me! I said… it’s not true… I could never-“, he broke eye contact, tears threatening to spill. Breathing heavily he walked over to where the angel was standing at the door.

 

“I want you to know that… its not your fault. You haven’t failed me or Sam. We- _I_ knew something was wrong, Sam knew-“, he stopped then looked at Castiel, “its’ on _us_.”

 

Smiling sadly, the blue eyed angel nodded. “Dean, I’m still sorry for not-“

 

“ _Don’t._ Don’t finish that sentence, Cass. You have nothing to be sorry for, and its’ my fault that you can’t see that. I-“, unable to continue, Dean sat down again, burring his face in his hands.

 

The angel finally entered the room. He closed the distance between them with a few steps and lowered himself onto the bed, beside Dean. Being so close, Castiel noticed the hunter was shaking. “Dean, you’re trembling…”, the green eyed Winchester snorted.

 

Without thinking, Castiel closed his arms around the hunter’s shoulders. He hugged him as best as he could from the side. A few moments later Dean raised his head, his eyes wet.

 

Visibly swallowing, he said with a shaking voice, “How can you just sit here as if nothing happened? As if I hadn’t- hadn’t said that.”

 

“We’ve known each other for ten years, Dean. You might think I ought to know you by now. You were hurt, I understand-“

 

  
“No, you don’t get to justify what I did! It was wrong!”, Dean said, his voice on the verge of breaking.

 

“I never said it wasn’t. What I’m trying to say, is that I forgive you.”, the angel tightened his hold on the man next to him.

 

“You know you’re too good for this fucked up world, right?”, he said with a faint smile, then added in a whisper, “too good for me.”, that’s when he looked down again, but Cass wasn’t having any of that.

 

“Look at me, please.”, he said softly, but Dean just shook his head, silently cursing his angel hearing. When the hunter made no movement to follow his request, Castiel gently raised his chin. When he saw the familiar self hate in Dean’s eyes he just shook his head and glanced lovingly at his friend.

 

“Come on, you know that’s not true.”

 

“It is. And I have no right to lash out at you just because I don’t have my damn emotions in check.”

 

“You’re human, Dean. And that’s definitely not a bad thing.”, Cass said still hugging his friend, “You act on them, without thinking about the consequences or you simply don’t see them in that particular moment. It was too much and too fast to handle, and that’s all right. You apologised. And I’m glad you did.”

 

“Well, still doesn’t change the fact that I- I don’t deserve you, or your forgiveness. After all the shit I’ve done and said, you should know this by now.”

 

“Dean Winchester, look me in the eyes. Now.”, the angel’s voice was deeper than usual. When Dean looked at him, Castiel saw a tear rolling down his freckled cheek. Wiping it away with his thump, he continued.

 

“You are a good person, Dean. You are impulsive, sure, but never doubt your worth, ever. You were the one who showed me what, not only freedom means, but also what love is. You thought me humanity and I owe you so much because of it.

Of course you’ve made mistakes, you’ve said and done the wrong things, but horrible things were also done to you. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t be more proud of you and Sam. I forgive you, because you deserve forgiveness. You are worth it. You’re worth everything, Dean.”

 

Castiel wiped another tear away, “I would take away your pain, if I could. I’d give everything if it meant you wouldn’t have to hurt right now. You didn’t deserve to lose her again like this. You didn’t. But I won’t have you dealing with this alone. I need you to believe me. So look me in the eyes and tell me if I’m lying to you.”

 

Instead of replying Dean tried to chuckle, but it sounded more like choking. Teary eyed, he smiled at his angel. Before Dean could say anything, Castiel turned around and embraced him with both arms.

 

“Please believe me, Dean. I can’t lose you too.”, Castiel’s voice broke with the last words.

 

“I do, Cass. Thanks…”, he assured his blue eyed friend, “But I’m still sorry”

 

“I know.”, Castiel hugged him tighter, breathing in the familiar smell of Dean’s cologne.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♥︎
> 
>  
> 
> \- I used "Cass" with "ss" because I believe that's what they use on the show. At least the script says Cass and they all have Castiel saved under "Cass" on their phones. But I know many write "Cas" so sorry if that upset you!


End file.
